Jazzyohsofresh's Blog

untitled nonsense

jazzyohsofresh — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 05:31:11 +0000

Damn, so it’s been forever since I blogged, actually, it’s been since I got my car lol. But here I am, I’m back, yeah, I know you all missed me, well it’s almost summer so I should be blogging more often. I guess I haven’t really been blogging because nothing interesting has happened. I mean, it’s the same mundane day to day nonsense. I go to class, I go home, I might go out, I go back home lol. Nothing terribly exciting. I guess I should be glad, I’d rather have the mundane than drama, it just makes for a boring blog lmao, oh well, that’s all there is folks! Stay tuned my few far and inbetween vistors and please, comment!

AND THE WAIT IS OVER!!!

jazzyohsofresh — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:06:45 +0000

That’s right! To all my readers, no matter how far few and inbetween they may be….the wait is over…..I HAVE A NEW CAR!!! Oh yeah, that’s the way uh huh uh huh we like it. It’s like being released from prison. I was like a bird released from the cage, it’s amazing. I have been rippin’ and runnin’ like a mad woman. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t drive somewhere lol. Nothing much has changed other than that. Same ol’ stuff, different day. Just trying to make good grades and maintain. Same ol’, same ol’. So, since I have nothing new to blog about (other than my car) I’m going to leave you with that.

Waiting sucks

jazzyohsofresh — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 10:00:24 +0000

So I haven’t blogged in a while. Just been busy with school, trying to pass this semester. Oh, new news, I’m back on anti-depressant. Wellbutrin. I really didn’t want it to come to this, but I’ve just been feeling so alone, so lost. I feel like someone has pushed the pause button on my life. I’m at such a standstill, nowhere to go. I want excitement, I want fun and energy in my life, I don’t want this mundane, boring life that I have now. I want to meet a guy. A guy that makes me excited, and nervous, and stupid. I want the butterflies and I want my heart to jump when he sends me a text, or his name pops up on my cell, I even want to go through the hard time. I want to love. I’m scared too. I’m scared to get hurt, I’m scared to put my heart on the line, but I’m terrified to be alone.

I’m trying to buy a car too. I found the car I want, just waiting on the title to come back. It’s so hard to have something you’ve wanted for so long and for it to be so close, but yet so far. It’s like my freedom is within my reach, but my fingertips just keep brushing it, I can’t quite grasp it. Have I mentioned how much I HATE waiting?AAAAHHHHH lol. Ok, I’ll be fine. I’m going to pick myself up, and be ok. I can do this. And this helps. This random thought venting to the world-wide web-iverse. And to my few, maybe only reader: I’ll be posting more often!

The Holiday Season…

jazzyohsofresh — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 10:29:36 +0000

Ahhhh, so now it’s the holidays season, it’s actually christmas eve day. SO I spent thanksgiving with a friend of mine from school. Funny story though, I came dangerously close to spending it alone in my dorm room, but things changed at the last minute. Now christmas is here and guess where I’ll be…..that’s right! I’ll be here, in my wonderful dorm room. Alone. Sucks huh? Oh well, what can you do? Story of my life. No point in making a big deal about it, this is just the way things have to be. When…….well, IF I finally have a family, holidays will be such a big deal. I never want anyone to feel that way I feel. I was watching that Faith Hill special today, you know, A Home For The Holidays. Ha! I wish someone would make a special about the realities of foster kids. We grow up to live incredibly lonely lives. Very few people end up with that peaches and cream, storybook ending that they show. Most of us end up like me. Alone, bitter, depressed and desperately putting on a happy face for everyone else to see. I’m glad I’ll be alone, then no one can see me cry…

GUYS GUYS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

jazzyohsofresh — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:32:43 +0000

AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SO many freaking guys problems! Why are men such losers? They really have no idea what thay want, or what they have when they actually have it. Why oh why do we continue to put up with their shit? I say all of this and yet and still, I’m one of these stupid women that puts up with guys shit. I think in general, I’m a pretty good woman. I’ve got my head on straight, I’m smart, I know how to take care of a man, all the good stuff, but I can’t seem to find a quality man to save my life and I continue to put up with the shit from the less than great ones. For example, the guy I’ve been telling you about, the one that works at my school…..well, I want him back. I know he treated me like shit and there is no reason that I should want to remotely be around this guy at all, but I still invited him to come over tonight. Why oh why? Well I am completely determined not to have sex with this guy, no matter what, I know what a terrible idea this would be and I can safety say that it would serious be detrimental to everything that I believe in. It will not be going down like that!!! I’ll keep you posted~~~

Self sabotaging

jazzyohsofresh — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:58:02 +0000

So I found this new thing on my computer, where I can just speak to it and it types everything that I say. I thought it would make blogging easier, but I haven’t really gotten the hang of it yet, so it makes things more difficult. I’m actually using it to write this blog. I think because I type so fast it is easier than speaking. I have to correct things so much, it would just be easier to type it. They say that if you use the speech recognition software a lot it will begin to understand what you were saying better. This is the first time that I am using the software, I actually want to use it to write papers for school. But I don’t have the patience for it to make this many mistakes while I am trying to write a 20 page paper. So I’m just going to train it with my blog. Enjoy! Now I have to go finished washing my hair.

Deeper and deeper I fall.

jazzyohsofresh — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:43:35 +0000

So I may or may not have mentioned that I’m battling a major depression disorder. I’m not taking any anti-depressants because I don’t want to be dependant on them, so I’ve found other ways to cope. But sometimes, my coping mechanisms don’t work. Right now is one of those times. I’m sabotaging school, I’m sabotaging my job, I’m sabotaging all my relationships. I spend more and more time alone, I just don’t want to be around people. So like the title says, I’m falling deeper and deeper into my depression. I’ve felt it coming on for a while now, but I thought it would go away before it got too bad. At some times throughout the day I feel great, then in the next moment I feel like crap. I can just see that I’m getting worse and worse and I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. How the hell do climb out of this abyss???

Blah Blah Blahbity Blah

jazzyohsofresh — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:37:26 +0000

Sitting in The Commons, our on campus dining hall. So there’s this guy…..lol, how many conversations start out like that? Yeah. So there’s this guy, he works in the dining hall at my school. He’s incredibly sexy, I mean off the charts sexy and he found out that I was feeling him and he actually liked me back. Craziness. So we exchanged numbers and hung out a few times. He was pretty cool, we got along really well and had this insane sexual chemistry. I couldn’t help myself, I had to have sex with him. And it wasn’t that good. I know, I know, I should have just written him off at this point, but I didn’t. I had feelings for him. Not like I was in love with him or anything, but I had feelings. I couldn’t help it, he was just so much fun and we got along so well. I caught feelings, but I didn’t say anything to him, as a matter of fact, I went out of town. We texted a bit while I was gone, but he started trippin on me, real hard. Talking all kinds of shit like we could only be friends and he didn’t want anything else and all this other crap. I was hurt, but what could I do about it, so I just ignored him. Then I got the text. He told me that he needed to talk to me, and apologize. That he was stupid and wrong and he totally manned up. So we started talking again. He told me he had feelings for me, so I told him I did too. Then 2 days later I got THE text. He said we could only be friends for real and he was backing off that we just could hang out anymore and the only time he would see me was when I came to eat. It hurt. I saw him that night and I asked to talk to him. He told me the same thing again and it still hurt, so very forcefully I said, FUCK YOU and he responded with, you already did. I put up a hard exterior but I wear my heart on my sleeve and this was just more that I could take. I ran away crying. I had to call someone that I know loves me and just hear from someone that I am a great person and that I’m not totally crazy, so I called Darwin. He is one of the best friends I have and one of the most supportive people I’ve ever met. He had already been briefed on the previous events so I filled him in. Now, Darwin lives in NY, but he loves me (as a friend) and when he heard everything he was so pissed. I didn’t know he would get so mad, but he was screaming and cussing, just mad. He called this guy all kinds of names and said that he was lucky he didn’t live down here, he would have gotten his ass whooped. It made me feel a little better. Well I haven’t talked to this guy since, in fact, I haven’t even seen him. Until today that is……..I’m sitting in front of him right now. He’s at work and I had to come eat and take this test so this seemed like a good idea. Well I just made eye contact with him and I got a knot in my stomach. I’ve been lying to myself wanting to believe that I was over him and he didn’t hurt me as much as he actually did, but I’m wrong. It’s everything I can do not to cry right now. My heart is pounding and I feel like throwing up. This is terrible. The realization that I do still have feelings for him and the reality that he probably doesn’t have any for me and seeing him again, I should have sat on the other side of the caf. Appetite gone…..

Ugh

jazzyohsofresh — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:04:56 +0000

So right now I desperately need to talk, but of course there is no one to listen. And there most certainly isn’t anyone that would understand. So generally speaking, I’m not an artist. I wouldn’t describe myself as an artist anyway. However, there are times when I feel like my creative outlet isn’t being fulfilled, when I need to draw or paint or write or sing, just create. So this morning, I feel the pains of the tortured artist. I know, I know, it’s crazy……I just can’t help it though. That’s the best way to describe how I’m feeling. Am I crazy? Am I the only one that feels like that? I of course mean only non artist to feel like a tortured artist………..ugh

Hello world!

jazzyohsofresh — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:02:08 +0000

Hey world. So I’ve decided to use this blog as my online diary. Somewhere that I can say whatever I want and I don’t have to know the people that are judging me. Unlike Facebook and Twitter, I won’t have to see the people that read this and I can still express my innermost thoughts. This will be my therapy. It will be grammatically incorrect, words will be spelled wrong and profanity will be used at the appropriate times. If you don’t like what I’m saying, then don’t read it, it’s that simple.

I guess I’ll start with a little introduction. My name is Jasmine. I won’t tell you where I live or go to school, just to protect a little bit of my privacy, I’m sure you understand. I’m 26, I’m a full time student and I’m working a full time job. I’m also manic depressive. I’m not on any medication and I don’t go to therapy. I just deal with it. None of my friends know I have it, I don’t think they’d understand even if they did. Friends. HA! I could sit here and tell you I don’t have any friends, but that would be a lie. I do. They just live in other states. I moved around alot. Well I used to anyway. Now I’ve settled into this mundane lifestyle in good old……..oh yeah, not telling that.

Right now I’m listening to Brooke Valentine’s song Cover Girl. Basically it’s about a girl not feeling pretty enough. Brooke. Valentine. Seriously. Well, the song has a great message regardless.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m at a low stage in my depression. Not as low as I’m going to get, I’m sure, but still low. I’m lonely, bored and hopeless. I have alot of guy problems and they only serve to feed into my depression. I really know how to pick ‘em! Right now I should be studying, so I don’t really have time to get into it, but I will, promise. For now, I must return to my studies, regardless of the fact that I am doomed to fail!!!!!!